Feels good to ramble a bit

Okay, I told you I have been thinking about this for a long time, especially with all the pressure I feel to go back to work (is that a Utah thing?) When I really sit and think about it, I stay home for selfish reasons. I don’t want to miss anything. My mom worked growing up and although I was fine with it, I remember seeing her cry over a missed Halloween part or a missed book report. I thought that was silly at the time, but now that I am a mom, I don’t want to miss those things. I want to be there to take pictures so my kids will remember what they were like as a kid, the good parts and the bad parts so they will know a little better what parenting is really like. I also want to be there when they need me. They won’t need me forever and so I have to get it while I can. I asked John’s mom why it was important for mothers to stay home and she said that there is just something special about coming home with someone waiting for you, rather than coming home to a cold, empty house. That kind of hit me because our homes are supposed to be the safe haven from the world and I want my kids to feel that, especially in these scary times. Just today, I was watching Sydney get on the bus and a few of the kids were cussing like nothing I have hear in a long time. I knew they wouldn’t listen to me if I told them to stop talking that way and they may have even started to pick on Sydney in the bus, they were just mean boys. Anyway, my hope is that I can teach enough good in the home to counteract all of the crap my kids are going to see in the world. But of course it is really hard to stay home! So this is how I cope:

1. I read your blogs. It helps me remember that I am not the only one struggling. Also, I love to read about the cute and fun things you do with your kids and I love to see your kids! It also helps give me ideas of things to do with my kids. (Jenni, muffin tin lunch has been a big hit!)

2. Date night. I realize I have a harder time when John and I don’t get quality time together. As we all know, we need a little more that 3 year old conversations.

3. Exercise. Okay, I am not great at this one, but I can control my anger better when I am exercising and that is just good for everyone in the house.

4. If things are going crazy and I can tell it is because the kids are bored, I sit and read them a few books. There is something magical about sitting with your kids on your lap and reading them a story.

5. If all else fails (which is does more than I like to admit), after the kids go to bed, John and I cook up some nice warm, chocolate chip cookies, sit on our butts, and watch a movie or TV show (I recommend Chuck for all those who want a laugh!)

By the way, I think I am going to print out everyone’s response and read it quite often. Thanks again Jenni for starting this discussion.

Mandie

Joy Comes in Moments

I don't really want to go back to work. It isn't overly enticing to me. Maybe because many of the jobs I've had weren't so fulfilling anyway. (Our first year in Milwaukee, before I had Olivia, I worked as a receptionist in a doctor's office. It paid pretty well, but could be tedious. I wasn't using my degree, it didn't challenge me). So wanting to be a "stay-at-home-mom" isn't really the hard part for me. Doing it with patience and cheerfulness, that's a different story. Yes, at times I would love to turn my housekeeping duties over to a maid, and pursue plenty of more exciting, well, pursuits. Once, getting my hair cut at the beauty school in Milwaukee, the girl cutting it said, "Oh, you're a stay-at-home-mom? I don't think I could ever just sit around all day like that." Right.

Another related struggle I have (just so you know I do have my complaints), is that my husband often gets to do things (like go on a yearly ski trip with friends) that I don't get to do. When I can't leave overnight because I'm nursing a baby, he can. When I can't snowboard because I'm pregnant, he can. (Plus it helps that his skiing friends help pay most of the expenses, so while we can't afford for me to take a trip like that, he can). Or if he wants to fly to a friend's wedding, he can, but if I were to go too, we'd have to figure out a way to buy flights for our whole family, and find somewhere for us all to stay. And often just the little things, like feeling a little guilty going to an enrichment group because the kids want me to put them to bed, etc. Sometimes I feel like a dad's life can still go on, mom is forever changed to mom. But that could be a completely different discussion.

Back to the career issue - every job has its drudgery. There are parts of "fulfilling" careers that aren't glorious. Being an ophthalmologist - long hours, or middle of the night hours, patients that don't comply, complications in surgery . . . Dentistry also comes to mind - I'm sure dentists have parts of the job that aren't joyful.

To me, the kind of job that I think would seem fulfilling would probably be something more creative - where I'd feel I was doing something that couldn't be done by others. But hopefully we can find ways to develop and share our interests/talents, without having to give up a big chunk of what little time we have (in the long run) with these little ones.

And when we're old looking back, I know that this job of being a mom and teacher to these little ones will have more lasting fulfillment than any other job could.

When I first became a mom, someone told me to remember the phrase, "This too shall pass." It didn't sound like very good advice at the time, as I thought, "I don't want this time to pass!"
But it reminds me that life won't always be this way.
I won't always have to be getting snacks, making lunches, having a dishwasher full of every color of plastic. I won't always have those days when I spend an entire morning trying to accomplish the single task of finally getting my floors mopped, only to have juice spilled everywhere.
BUT. I won't always have those little hands to hold, the squishy cheeks to kiss, the arms reaching out, needing me.
The days of hearing squeals of delight from "I'm gonna get you" or dancing together, or seeing the treasures they find or pictures they make for me are short lived, as are the days of stepping in a puddle of pee on the bathroom floor, or finding a piece of poop at the bottom of the load of laundry I'm moving to the dryer. (Hopefully, that is. You never what the future could hold). Yeah, it's been a fun week.

Opposition in all things. Motherhood wouldn't bring so much joy if we didn't have the bad to help us know the sweetness of the good.

As for the daily grind of sweeping, picking up toys again, folding laundry again, I don't know the answer to always finding satisfaction in that. And as for trying to get some cleaning done, while your kids whine and fight, and making it worse by being impatient with them, or instead putting on a movie for them (again) and feeling guilty about that . . . I still need lots of answers.
I love the saying that "joy comes in moments." It's okay if we're not always feeling it - we just have to grab hold of the moments when we are.
The First Presidency message for September is about the influence of women and has some good stuff. Our daily small acts (even sweeping) are part of allowing the growth/progress/learning/smooth functioning of our families. We help lay the foundation - little by little, sometimes chore by chore.
Another book I read talked about thinking of housecleaning as the special work of providing a place of peace for your family. (Though I haven't fully signed on to that rosy attitude).
I can feel satisfaction in a clean house, but getting there isn't always joyous. But greater satisfaction comes when I stop and cuddle with/wrestle with/make my kids laugh.
Also, I'm finally figuring out how to keep my house consistently in at least some state of order, which does wonders for my mood! I have a few things I try to do each morning to keep house running smoothly. If I finish those, I feel a sense of accomplishment, as opposed to just thinking of the endless work that I would like to get done. When life is busy, I can let some things go (like the toy room), but still have the dishes done and the living room tidied up.
Jenni - yes, being very pregnant can put a damper on your enthusiasm! But the daily things you do still do make a difference, just in a different way than in RS.
Much of what I've just said is to remind myself - I know it's nothing new for you all.

One of my babies is starting first-grade, one turned four-years-old yesterday, and my tiniest just started nursery. I'm starting to believe those random people at the grocery store who tell me, "They'll be grown before you know it." And Abby, it makes me weep, too! But for now, My Little Pony is about to marry Optimus Prime, and I better not miss the excitement.

this is really abstract...

Eternal perspective is what it all boils down to for me. One of the hardest things for me is that being with my kids isn’t fun all the time, or even most of the time. The funny thing is, sometimes it IS fun most of the time! But those days, weeks, months are short-lived, as are the really, really bad ones. The alternate frustration and satisfaction of mothering are so unpredictable. I’m reading The Hobbit and Bilbo and all the dwarves are stuck in that awful forest of Mirkwood where they can’t see any daylight or find any fresh water or breathe any fresh air and when they are about at their wit’s end they send Bilbo up a tree to see if the end is in sight. Of course Bilbo doesn’t know what he is looking for so all he sees is a butterfly and comes down and tells everybody they are smack in the middle of endless despair when in reality they are almost through. Maybe it was Jenni’s prompt, but I couldn’t help but laugh at what an apt parable that is for parenting! And if Bilbo had only been able to impart some cheer and encouragement it would have done wonders, whereas even a few more steps are hard to take when you can’t see beyond the next small hurdle. SO, one of the things I try to do is cling to the small good things that do happen. For example, Henry loves to cuddle right now, and sometimes it drives me crazy! He ALWAYS wants to snuggle and lots of the time I get frustrated because I have dishes to wash, floors to mop, and I really want to be left alone! But almost every time I do go and cuddle my heart is softened. One night I was looking at old pictures and I didn’t even realize that I was WEEPING until Andy came in. I realized how fast my kids are growing up and changing and how fiercely I really do love them. When I search my heart, they have displaced nearly everything that was once dear to me. Not important things, but things I used to think were important. I have often prayed to have a change of heart, or a mother heart, and I realize that prayer is slowly being answered. Sometimes I just have to step back and think about what I want in the long run and acknowledge that it’s going to be painful.

One more thing on perspective. I was promised once, long before I had or wanted children, that my children would some day bring greater peace and joy to my life than I had ever yet experienced. Nothing was mentioned about greater anger and frustration of course, but there is no way I would trade the intensity of love and feeling I have deep down. I remember Hans Kindt saying that “we are not meant to do our fishing on the surface of a shallow life.” I think of all the things that brought me satisfaction before I became a mother and all the things I could be doing with my time now and every one of them comes up shallow compared to the depth of emotion and growth I feel as a mother.

One more thing and then I’ll quit, maybe, for now anyway. And this is specifically about NOT WORKING. STAYING HOME, ALL THE TIME, WITH THE KIDS. I cheat a little cause I have my sewing gigs, but even that has brought me more guilt and trouble than it is worth. That night I was looking at pictures I realized that those were the quality moments of my life. 99% of them were unplanned. Sometimes it was an impromptu picnic, or a quickie on the swings, or even a huge mess somebody made and I grabbed the camera instead of spanking their butt and we all laughed instead of cried. I think that to get QUALITY time with your kids, you have to invest QUANTITY time, wade through the garbage to get the goods. If only we could schedule all the good times for after 5:00 I would say, hey, let’s start a quilt shop/exercise club/personal training center/book store and all get a job there. But if you aren’t THERE, at home, most of the time, you miss the good stuff. And I’m not willing to let that go. Even the dark days are part of our experience together as a family. I realize this is starting to sound preachy and you all KNOW this, but I constantly have to remind myself of it. I can’t help throwing out that we shouted for joy in the preexistence, even knowing what we’d be in for, and the relationships we have with our people is something we’ll take with us when we go. What a tender thing it is to be able to share the best and the worst of ourselves with our families. On the dark days, I just have to find a quiet moment (sometimes that's at 1:30 a.m.) and remind myself that in the long run: THIS is what I choose.

OK...I'll go first.....

I feel sort of unqualified since I have probably had the least experience being a full time stay at home mom. There were defiantly some good things about working and it very much helped that I had some fabulous people watching my kids. (A big thank you again to all of you for helping us through that experience!) So anyway I will give you what little I have learned from the 2 1/2 years I have spent 24/7 with the kids.

I recentally read a really thought provoking book called "One Thousand White Women." The basic story is that a group of white women are given to the Cheyenne native American tribe to be brides for their warriors and teach them the way of civilized life. Needless to say it was not smooth sailing. One of the interesting tidbits that I took away from the book is that in the Cheyenne language there is no word for "happy," it doesn't exist. When the white women asked about the absence of the word the tribe replied that is something invented by the white man; they find purpose and meaning in everyday living and are not searching for what the women called "happiness." I have thought a lot about this because my main complaint about being a mother is that I don't feel "fulfilled." I am beginning to wonder if that sentiment is a product of our society and the idea that women can an should do it all, and do it all well at that. As we know this is impossible and does not fit with what the gospel teaches. I love the idea of seasons and the comfort that change brings in knowing that we will not be stuck in this relentless and exhausting piece of life where we are mothers to young children forever.

So in more direct response to Jenni's question there are three things that help me survive and even enjoy motherhood and inspire me.

Number 1--- hobbies, not just in theory, but actually doing them. For me in this particular time in my life it is teaching exercise classes especially Zumba. It gives me something to look forward to, something to think about and plan for that is not related to my children. After every child I think I have gone through a period of reinventing myself. Maybe the hobbies that used to really inspire and relax you don't anymore. I think it is very healthy to branch out and try something new. I decided to try my hand at watercolor this past spring, I am still horrible at it:), but I am enjoying it and thinking about projects that I am excited about help me get the housework done faster and with less resentment.

Number 2-- planning ahead to make the boring and repetitive tasks of everyday life easier. For me that includes planning meals in advance so that I can simply put them together instead of trying at 5:00 to figure out what to make. I try to do the same thing with making a schedule with cleaning and now I also give Weston chores everyday which is nice because I don't feel like I'm the only person in the house who picks up the broom. There is something so satisfying about feeling like I have done a good job at my "job" at the end of the day, as opposed to the days where I am in survival mode and wonder what I accomplished.

Number 3--look for one "golden" moment with each child everyday. Kyle is gone long hours and often days at a time right now, I'll be honest it is really hard to be patient and loving all time or even half the time.:) So I have started to watch for one moment with each child every day where we connected or where I was able to teach them something, or they teach me something and really notice it for the gift that it is. That's what motherhood is to me a lot of hard stuff and occasionally something that is far better than this world, where we are given a glimpse of what is to come. I tell Kyle about my "moments" with the kids everyday along with all the tales of the horrors I survived with them.

I once heard that a friend is someone who is there to witness our lives so that we can feel justified in being, because we know someone will be there to see it. I feel so blessed to be a witness of all your lives, you are all amazing and inspiring women who are engaged in the most difficult and thankless job on earth!
I am looking forward to hearing what each of you have to say because I need it!

Becki

Looking for Advice. . .

Hey Girlies,

I have a quick question for all of you, which I will eventually get to. But I'll preface it by saying that it's a little meatier than most subjects tackled here. I'm just looking for your collective perspective. So here's the background to the upcoming question:

Lately I have found myself having a harder time than usual being a stay-at-home mom. There have been a lot of things that have all contributed to this at once. Firstly, my social network completely imploded after the move. Also, I am reallly pregnant. Huge. Very whale-like, which has contributed to my fatigue and over-all orneriness. Third, I know you all thought she was cute, but Nora, also known as The Mistress of Destruction, is really taking the stars out of my eyes about being the mother of a toddler lately. At lastly (and I hesitate to even mention this) there was the mixed blessing of being R.S. President. Even though it was hectic and crazy, there was a great reward in knowing that what I did daily made a difference.

Now, dudes, clarification: I'm fine and doing well. I'm still very much happy with my life, I don't need to be put on the temple prayer roll, and don't send out sympathy cards yet. I have a testimony of staying at home with my kiddies. I am thrilled to have a house, and am really liking Ohio. I am just searching for ways to find more satisfaction in doing the laundry and sweeping for the tenth time today and constantly breaking up bickering, oooo and cooking dinner. I struggle with liking that.

So my question is this: Do you ever experience feelings like this? What makes being a stay-at-home mom hard for you? What makes it worth it to you? What gives you daily satisfaction? Where does your inspiration come from?

Thanks, feel free to share.

Miss you guys.